5 Secrets of Communication: How to improve your communication

 

Communication was the topic of this week's lesson. When I got engaged the advice I heard the most was "communication is key to a successful marriage". I was kind of sick of hearing that and in my head would say, "yeah, yeah, I know". It wasn't until I got married and situations came up that my feelings got hurt or I offended my husband, or we had an important decision to make, that I realized I lack some communication skills. I think a lot of us do. It's not so easy to take your thoughts and feelings and express them to another person so that they understand. It's even harder when we live in a world where lots of our communication is through texting or emails. Communication is made up of a couple of things: words, tone, and body language. With a text or email a person only gets the words to help them decode the message. They can't hear the tone with the message or the person's body language. We tend to trust what a person says by their body language (51%) and tone (35%) more than their actual words (14%). So you can see how texting is a  bad why to communicate, especially when it's something important. A person takes his or her thoughts/feelings and encode into a message via texting and then the other person has to decode those thoughts/feeling with only words; they don't get tone or body language to help decode it. Talking to a person face to face is the best way, but that has become almost unheard of nowadays. People find it weird to do that. Calling people on the phone is not as weird, but it's still not the norm.  

How can we improve our communication skills, especially when trying to discuss something that is important? It's easy to get defensive when someone says anything to us that isn't putting us in the best  light or when they don't agree with us. Both people will talk as though they are right and try to defend or prove that they are right. This leads to nowhere but anger. Remember David Burns from last week? Well I'm bringing him back with his 5 Secrets of Communication. At first they seem simple and a little weird, but they totally work. 

5 Secrets of Communication 

1. Disarming Technique- Find the kernel of truth to what the person is saying.

2. Express- Repeat back what they have told you. Label their feelings. Express empathy.

3. Inquiry- Ask if you're understanding what they're saying. This allows them to give you more information. Say "I'd love to hear more".

4. "I Feel" Statements

            1. When (insert event)

            2. I Feel (insert emotion)

            3. Because (insert thought)

            4. I would like (insert request)

                               👆This communication allows you to connect and understand without assumptions 

5. Stroking- Convey an attitude of respect. Find something genuinely positive to say about that person.

It's best to practice this by writing down a situation that has already happened and where the communication didn't go well. That way you are. already familiar with the details and you can see where you could have said or done things differently. You don't have to go in order with how you do these steps but try to get all of them in. It might be a little tricky at first but the more you practice the better and more natural it will become. 

If you have any questions about these 5 secrets please comment below and I will do my best to explain. David Burns has a book where he goes into depth about each of these 5 secrets. The book is awesome and I highly recommend it. It's called "Feeling Good Together". It's a great resource for couples. 

Great communication is essential in a relationship, no matter what kind of relationship it is. It can really make or break it. If you have tried these 5 Secrets of Communication let me know. I'd love to hear how it went! When you need to talk with someone try giving them a call instead of texting them, or better yet, go talk to them in person. It might feel strange but I think you both would end up enjoying it so much more than just a text. 

                                                                                    ♡♡♡ -Allison 

                                                

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