A Child's Needs: Active Parenting

 

The time has come for my last post and it's a bittersweet feeling. I've really loved doing these posts and sharing what I've learned. There has been so many great topics and information. I hope you've learned something useful and/or helpful. For my last post I'll be talking about parenting and the needs of children.

Michael Popkin is a famous family therapist in Atlanta. He created a company called the Active Parenting Publishers where he provided tools to help parents teach their children how to become responsible and contented adults. He says that there are needs that children have that are beyond the basic necessities of life, like education, water, food, and shelter. He proposed that they also needed: 1) Contact/Belonging 2) Power 3) Protection 4) Withdrawing and 5) Challenge.

Contact/Belonging

A child needs physical contact, obviously appropriate contact. My husband and I took a mindfulness parenting class about 3.5 years ago and this was a topic that they taught us about. Children, really all of us, need contact and belonging to make sure that we are getting our buckets filled, so to say. Doctors have found that if a baby doesn't have enough physical contact that baby is most likely going to be declared as "failure to thrive" even though he or she is getting food, water, and proper healthcare. When children aren't getting the amount of attention or contact that they need they usually act out in undue attention seeking. We probably all know of a child who does this. My second oldest daughter, about a year ago, started acting so mean to her sisters, lying, and hitting. I couldn't figure out what was going on. Finally, I was told by a friend who was a therapist, that I should try hugging my daughter more and giving her more undivided attention. I started hugging her so soon as she got home from school, having time where her and I could just chat, and then snuggling in the evening time. After about 3 days of doing this I saw a complete changed in her. I went through this with my oldest daughter and had the same outcome. We do tickle fights, paint nails, do each other's hair, and read books together where we snuggle. It's sometime hard to give attention to everyone but it's totally worth it.

Power

Children need to have opportunities to make their own choices. With choices comes along consequences, and then responsibility. These choices need to be age and situation appropriate. For example, I started letting my girls choose what they want to wear when they're around 2.5 years old. I'd hold up two shirts and ask which one she wanted to wear that day. I would make sure that if it was summer I wouldn't make one of the options a thick long sleeve shirt. That would be situation appropriate. Or on Sundays I would say she could pick out any of her Sunday dresses but not her dress-up dresses. If my children want to take out all their toys that's fine, but I tell them that they are responsible for cleaning all of them up. This teaches them responsibility. You want the consequences to be logical and natural. If my daughter doesn't think she needs to wear a coat when it's 20 degrees outside then she's going to be cold. If my other daughter doesn't get her homework done after getting home from school then she can't play with friends until it's done. I had a friend tell me that her son's doctor told her that if her son says he's not going to eat his dinner than he can't go to his friend's birthday party that weekend. That is not logical at all. The birthday party has nothing to do with eating dinner. If children aren't given the chance to make their own choices, experience consequences, and learn responsibility then they will rebelling and/or controlling others. 

Protection

Children need to feel protected- physically and emotionally. If a child thinks they are going to be hurt physically they will look for a way to stop it. The same for emotionally. If a child feels like their self esteem is going to be hurt then they will stop it from happening. For example, if a child gets glasses which then causes other children to tease him, then he'll probably react by hitting or being mean back. They are going to seek this revenge. Dr. Popkin said it best-" Children will sometimes seek revenge on peers, parents, or other adults for a real or perceived injustice against them. This is a negative approach to help them achieve the goal of protection. If a child is escalating the fight, they may be seeking revenge. Keep in mind that kids who seek revenge are usually hurting, so they need a lot of love and encouragement to go with appropriate discipline. Parents and teachers can help children learn responsible methods of protection while providing a safe environment in which they can develop. Starting from a place of love is always the best approach."

Withdraw

We tell our children to take deep breaths when they start getting upset or some other mindful exercise. That's great! There are times when me, as the parent needs to go cool off when I'm in the middle of a stressful situation. Popkin says that as parents we need to teach our children to take a break. My professor said that when he was a kid him and his dad were building a fence. They had been working all morning and his dad was getting a little restless so he that he needed a soda. They walked two blocks and got a soda and then came back home and kept working. It's important to teach that it's okay and healthy to take breaks from a task, but it's especially important to teach them to get back to it and complete it. If children aren't taught this they run away and don't learn to stick with a task.

Challenge

Children need a challenge. This builds self-esteem and allows them to improve their skills. They can get a pet or do a sport or learn how to play an instrument. Children need to learn to work hard and to not give up when something is hard or possibly boring. My girls sometimes complain about practicing piano because it's boring. Or every fall we pick a Saturday morning and rake all the leaves in the backyard into a big pile. It takes a few hours and it's sometimes boring and tiring, but it's something that needs to be done. My oldest loves math but sometimes struggles with it and that discourages her. My husband and I tell her not to give up and it's okay that she doesn't understand something as quick as someone else does. We tell her that she can do hard things. If a child isn't taught this they can start taking undue risks. Accomplishing things, especially things that took a lot of hard work and time, is so gratifying and boosts self-confidence. 

                                                                                       ♡♡♡ -Allison