Intimacy in Marriage

There have been subjects in my class that I have felt very passionate about and this week was another one. We talked about intimacy in marriage-the differences between men and women when it comes to sex, challenges that couple faces, and then the opportunities that couples have when they work together to overcome those challenges. One thing that I loved about class this week was seeing that the few married people in the class all agree and nod their head in agreement when we discussed challenges or differences between men and women. It showed me that these differences and challenges were real and something that lots of couples faced.

When I got married I faced these challenges and didn't know about what was "normal" as a woman to feel and want in intimacy. I felt like there was something wrong with me and that I was broken since sex was not something I wanted to do and didn't get enjoyment from it. It was a strain on my relationship with my husband. Don't worry, I won't go into any more details and start making you feel uncomfortable. It wasn't until I learned many years later about how the differences between men and women when it comes to sex that I realized that I wasn't broken. I was normal! My husband was normal! It was completely normal what my husband and I were going through! Getting educated about this helped make sex better. Having a great sexual relationship with your spouse is SO important for a marriage. I want to teach you what I know and what I wished I would have know as a newly married person. I hope you will learn something and be able to teach anyone who can benefit from this or even help in your own marriage.

DIFFERENCES

Women are slow to get aroused and to get the wheels turning. This is because women find it hard to focus on concentrate on something since our brains are wired to be aware of multiple things (great for being a mom). We have to commit mentally to having sex and letting ourselves be aroused. Once we do it's so much easier for us to focus on what is happening and to enjoy it. Men can get aroused and climax (orgasm) a lot faster than women.

Women- most women- don't have this urge to have sex as much as men do. This is because we don't have testosterone pumping out in high amounts like men do. Don't think your husband is a sex addict because he wants to have sex all the time. His body is producing this hormone 24/7 so he is feeling this tension building all the time.

Women need to feel safe, warm, and close to want to have sex. Men have sex to make them feel safe, warm, and close. This one is super important to realize.

CHALLENGES

Q: How can a husband make their wife feel safe and close so she wants to have sex?

A: Take time to be intimate with her but not sexually. For example, cuddle, hold holds, brush her hair, talk with her and listen with your full attention. Ask your wife what would make her feel close to you.

Q: If a husband is feeling like his wife doesn't love him as much because he gets rejected a lot, what can his wife do to show him she still loves him?

A: It's not healthy for a wife to feel pressured or guilted into having sex with her husband, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't ignore his wanting to have sex. Having sex helps him feel connected and close to her since his body doesn't produce that attachment hormone. The wife should try to make sex a bigger priority and focus. It's okay to not have sex every time your husband wants to but try to meet in the middle so he knows he's important to you and you want to be with him.

Q: If women take time to warm up and get aroused and even aroused enough to orgasm, what can the husband do to make sure they both have an enjoyable time?

A: Men can take things slow to help his wife get aroused. Foreplay is a great way to do this. Don't rush from one thing to the other. Let that tension build. It makes the whole experience more fun, longer and enjoyable. If your brain has a good experience with something, like being intimate with your spouse, you're going to want to have it more. A husband can make his wife orgasm first so they can make sure she is having a fulfilling experience as well.

Q: What if talking about this is uncomfortable or scary?

A: It might be. Humans don't like to be uncomfortable so we try to avoid it. It's a mistake though to not talk about this stuff. Women, it might surprise you that your husband might have some worries or things that he's scared to talk to you about. There are so many wrong expectations being put out by all forms of media about what men and women expect in a sexual relationship. Honestly, if you are curious about what your husband or wife thinks, ASK THEM! Talk about it together and work together to find solutions and compromises that both of you are happy with. Once you do this it might make talking about other uncomfortable and scary topics not so anymore, like budgets or parenting.

There is SO much more that I'd love to write about but I do have a word limit I need to follow. Please post below if you have any questions or would like resources. I'll link a podcast that I love so much. It's from a Christian sex therapist so you don't have to be worries about what is going to be said. I'll also link an article that talks about what a healthy sexual relationship looks like and an article from the Dating Divas w that talks about a survey they had husbands take of things that they wish their wife knew. There is one for what wives want their husbands to know. It's great to be able to get TRUE information about what the other spouse thinks. I'll also include links to two apps that are great for couples that is all about intimacy. Highly recommend you check out these resources. I'd love to hear our thoughts on this topic as well. Thank you for reading!